Mythic Logos

A good friend just recently got married. **Sigh** Another one falls.

But seriously, marriage is wonderful. At one point, somebody asked about advice for the groom. I joked that there should be no compromise. But as I have thought about it, I think it is actually a good idea.

Let’s look at a compromise. Two people, X and Y, want different things, A and B. They settle on C in a compromise. Well, both X and Y are not happy with C. But even worse, for that poor outcome, they know their partner is not happy. So they have made the other unhappy while they themselves are unhappy. Who wants that? Lose-lose.

My suggestion is to figure out who cares the most. If X really wants A and Y kind of wants B, let X get A. Then Y has the wonderful result of seeing X be happy. X has the happy result of having A. Win-win. Remember, the goal of an argument, particularly with a spouse, is not to be the victor. So I think it is much better to relent, to revel in surrendering your own desires to give to the other, to delight in their joy. And to do it wholeheartedly.

Now, I should hasten to add that both X and Y should discuss why they want what they want. In my own marriage, we often find that we only disagree when we are not viewing the whole information. So we discuss and we come to a joint agreement. But it is not a compromise. It is coming to an understanding that D is better than A or B. So both people want D. And that is one of the greatest values of partnerships. Alone, we do a decent job of getting by. But together, we are so much more. Take one of the greatest supercomputers in the world and double its capacity. That is a partnership.

While one thinks about this for the big things (where to live, do we have kids, what kind of Apple device should we buy , it is actually the small things that are the most important. Look at how the other likes to wash dishes, hang towels, toilet seat up or down, … and make sure that the environment supports how they like to live. Be considerate. This is the ultimate sign of respect and understanding. It is fanning the sparks of love into a fire with enough fuel to go the distance. And look for how the other delights you and revel that they are considering and loving you.

So, no to compromise. Yes to each other.